screwupsscrew:

I just have to post this, y’know? :) Thanks, cleooor and yer friend. Blessing in disguise that I visited your profile, huh? :)

screwupsscrew:

I just have to post this, y’know? :) Thanks, cleooor and yer friend. Blessing in disguise that I visited your profile, huh? :)

screwupsscrew:

I just have to post this, y’know? :) Thanks, cleooor and yer friend. Blessing in disguise that I visited your profile, huh? :)

screwupsscrew:

I just have to post this, y’know? :) Thanks, cleooor and yer friend. Blessing in disguise that I visited your profile, huh? :)

I know. I know I’m wrong, Mosjoen. I fckng knew it all along. But I was too stubborn and too proud to admit that to myself. How could I think like that with you two?? I know. I fucking knew I was wrong. But I still let it get me. But really, Mosjoen, I never did intend to make you cry. Yes, I never knew you cried. I thought it would be nothing for you, Wen. I really thought that you would think  that I was OA’ing and I’ll get over it. I know I’m shallow. But hell. This is me. AND I SERIOUSLY WANT TO FUCKING CHANGE THAT PART IN ME. I’m struggling, Mosjoen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I hurt you so bad. To be honest? I never knew you wuold be affected. Except for not answering you. And I wish you were in me at those times so you could see how confused I was. The fact that I don’t talk much screws this up big time. I’m sorry. Bullshit. Sorry won’t cover it. I don’t know. I don’t know what to say. I was waiting for Tuesday, when everything would be fine. That nothing could disturb us. No practices, no interruptions. I planned to pour it all out to you. But no. I guess it couldn’t wait. I’m sorry. I, . Mosjoen. Don’t give me those choices. I only want one of them. To stay. I know how hard this is, but I hoped it wuold be temporary. But really, mag agad ra ko nimo. After this, I’ll respect what you want. After this, after this mess I made. And you know, I’m hoping that, that you’ll leave me. So you won’t be hurt. I’ll get through it, I guess. I have this TINY piece of good hope that you would do otherwise. But if you would also do that, we may not know that I could hurt you. Again. Maybe even more painful. The more I try to avoid it, the more I hurt you. I’m a mess. I know that. As much as it hurts to say this, as much as an ocean of tears I could shed to say this, as much as shaky my fingers shake as I type this and as much as how painful my heart is shattered into pieces as I say this, I’m not fucking good enough for you.

I know how useless this could be but, I’m sorry. I do hope you’ll forgive me. You don’t have to understand me. You’ve done more than enough. So yeah. I’m sorry.

Ate was right. How stupid I am to be like this. And really. Just now, I’ve accepted the fact that you won’t stay. I’ll get through, Mosjoen. Maybe not now but someday. I swear. I’ll understand. I suggest you do it, Wen. For yourself. So you won’t be hurt anymore. I just. I was just an attractive dirt in your way. You could just drop me, you know.

Maybe mama was right. There are tons of girls who’re worth your time. Not me, but someone else could make you happy. I’ll, i’ll try to accept that.

screwupsscrew:

I just have to post this, y’know? :) Thanks, cleooor and yer friend. Blessing in disguise that I visited your profile, huh? :)

I don’t know if this is right. I mean, saying this electronically. Sort of like that. I wouldn’t have preferred this. I would’ve have chosen saying this personally to you to make it even more sincere. But hell, I’m making things worse if I’m not gonna finish this and make you read this. And to think that the weekend is so fckng long and Saturday is the big family day. It would be worse if Imma postpone it for Tuesday.

Okay. Here goes the rant.

I’m sorry. I am so so so so sorry. With every bit of fats in my body, I am soo sorry. I seriously hope it’s not too late. I am scared that it already is. It’s scaring me so bad. Please forgive me, Mosjoen. Please.

I’ve realized how awful I have acted. How I judged everything badly. I mean, what the hell. I allowed it to get the best of me. To bring out the worst in me. What the hell. What the hell was I thinking. How could I think of it that way? But really Mosjoen, I haven’t perfected how to control my emotions, to be really really honest. I couldn’t help thinking of the worst. I just slump and get tired away. I swear I’m trying to swallow it in. But no use.

Hearing Fraulein say how she acts with Cuyos together with girls is just so frckng frustrating. She ignores it BECAUSE SHE FUCKING TRUST CUYOS. But me? What do I do, huh? Always getting fckng jealous. Always wanting to be the reason of your smiles. So fucking possessive. What the bullsht is this. And to show those things to people is a mistake. They tend to say that  I DO NOT FUCKING TRUST YOU. And that hurts, kid. So bad. They do not know what the hell is running in my mind.

I always thing about everything. Always making problems. That’s what I do when I do not answer you. When I tend to ignore you. And when you start to pull away, I cannot pull you back. What if you don’t want to be pulled back? I get confused. So freaking confused that animosity [bit harsh but i still want to use it] between us rises. So confused that I do not know what to say and do.

Believe me when I say I was going to talk to you kanina. When Uriel and I went to SurfnPlay and I saw you, I was about to approach you only to stop myself. I freaking waited for you sa room. But had to go to the Confe. And there, when you came, I was going to leave my fckng chair and talk to you. BUT NO. There you were. With her. And SLAM. Hits me so hard that I fall back to my shell again. I coil away because I do not want to see you that time. Smiling with her. Being happy with her. Screw this. I serously hate crying. I thought, i’m going to talk with him when he’s done with her. But i never did.

I’ll stop here. I just can’t continue.

To be honest, I’m really tired. With myself, to be exact. How could you put up with someone like me? I want to change, Mosjoen. To stop being like this. I don’t know how. I just want this to freaking stop.

Just don’t reply.
Thank you.

God, I seriously want to scream real loud right now. My head is so crammed up with things that I can’t organize. There’s a lot running in it that I don’t know what to do with them. I want to relax and breathe. But I can’t. I know I can’t do so since there are other important stuff to do.

For one, Research. That pain in the ass research. Mock defense would be tomorrow and I/we are so not ready. We’re still lacking in Chapters three and four! The tests would be done also tomorrow. Can you imagine howdinali-anthis is?! It’s so fckng frustrating! I’m supposed to be reading our paper right now but hell, I can’t put my head on it. I’m sitting here like an idiot staring at the computer screen, waiting for a miracle to happen. Screw it. We’re doomed.

And my eye. My right eye is so fckng painful. I want to sleep already but something tells me not to. Da fuq that something. It’s getting worse with every minute I spend in front this screen.

Sweet pea, I want to scream najud. I want to bolt out what I feel towards every single thing right now. How useless it is to have conflicting groupmates. How annoying it is to have someone who’s a conceited ass that s/he thinks highly of him/herself. I want to get wild, to thrash around. To hit something. To hurt myself. I want to be violent. Just to let the trash out of my system. I want to talk to him. I want to be with him right now, where everything is at peace. Where I am calm. Where I can think properly.

I want to hug him. So bad.

Jeez, I don’t want to break down and wail out. I don’t want to shed some tears tonight. Screw this.

//wrist.

leilockheart:

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How many days to go before this school year would end? How many more seconds, minutes, hours do I have left with the people who pretty much made four years of my life memorable? How much time do I have to gather more moments worth keeping?

The clock is ticking away. Our time for high school is almost over. College is fast approaching. Am I ready? Are we ready? In a way, I want to be in College atm. I want to see how things would go for me. What things would stay the same, and what things would be different. I want to see how we would be faring in life with different schools. Would we be fine? Would we still work out? I do hope so. But I don’t want to rush things. I don’t want to regret anything. I want the time left to be overly happy. For me, for him, for all of us. 

Time seems to fly by so fast. So fast, that it is a blur. Funny how it’s too late to cope up with your actions. Funny how we wish we could go back and tell yourself of the things that you know now. But I guess that’s the way it is. Let it be.